here's to opening and upward

drawing boats. ships. learning about ships. rifles. gun power. fire power. a history of weaponry.

skeletons of animals. skulls. taxonomy, diagrams and root structures.  train cabins or wood burning stoves.

what do you love, brutality?

batteries and carbon chains.  popular poisons throughout history, currency, polarity, a human preference for certain pitches or chords.
a human preference for certain pitches or cords.

current bad things in my life:

1. the toilet in "my" bathroom won't stop running,
2. the switch on the brita faucet attachment is so fucking hard to turn that i have to drink:
3. the awful water at my parents' new house
4. the fact that my parents' new house's renovations are going to cost them way more than they thought so:
5. my parents have been fighting and ornary and irritable, so in turn:
6. i feel like fighting and being ornary and irritable.
7. i only get my schedule one week in advance so i can't ever plan anything.
8. there are three cars between four people so i can't ever go anywhere or do anything unless someone else takes me.
9. there has only been like one nice day this whole stupid month.
10. i still haven't heard from CU so:
11. i am still not technically a student there so:
12. i can't find out anything about loans so:
13. i have no real idea about how i'm going to pay for the next three years of my life, so:
14. i can't give my future-possible roommate any idea how i'm going to pay rent, so:
15. she feels like i'm not committed, which makes me feel like i might end up with no place to live.
16. i can't do anything to change any of this stuff at the present moment.
17. i haven't gotten a day off with my boyfriend in two weeks.
18. i haven't gotten off via my boyfriend (or anyone else) in like four weeks.
19. i just want a vacation but instead i have a job.
20. my boyfriend's company is not doing very well so now he gets no paid vacation time, so we'll never have a vacation.
21. because of 20, he'll also never get to come visit me in CO for more than a weekend.
22. and since he's so tight on money anyway, he'll probably never be able to afford to come visit me at all.
23. in three months i will be moving across the country and be, basically, completely alone.
24. i already FEEL basically alone because i am isolated in pinckney and no one comes to visit me except rob.
25. i keep finding "signs of aging" on my body, which terrifies me because the media says it should.
26. i haven't written anything all year; most things i read are terrible.
27. my dog can tell no one's happy. she looks so sad always.

good things:
1. i have a job that makes me money, even if it mean i have no life.
2. i have the money to pay my rent deposit, my old roommate for bills, and i'll soon have the deposit i need to put down for school.
3. my boyfriend is lovely and comes to visit me (in pinckney) whenever he can, even if he has to sit at my parents' and be bored.
4. i actually got into grad school, even if i feel like nothing has happened since.
5. even though i hate living with my family, i at least get free food and rent and things i put in the cart if i go shopping with mom.
6. even though nearly all of my stress stems from moving to CO, at least i am getting the hell out of michigan to go do something i love, even if i haven't done it in a while.
7. even if i lose contact with all of my friends, i WILL find new ones who are just as fulfilling because i DO that and i HAVE to.
8. rob understands how terrified i am to be apart from him and he's doing all he can (financially) to pay off his debt,and it also kind of sounds like he is sick of his job which means i don't know. best case scenario: he finds a new one in colorado.
9. the people at my work like me and my job is easy.
10. soon i'll have enough money to buy myself a haircut.
11. eventually i'll start caring about my body again. at least i worked out this morning.

ugh.

My grandma and I recently went halfsies
on a "Poetry Magazine" subscription. While admittedly
it might be kind of a suicide move
to rail against A million people in the little hallway,
I was definitely terrified of kidnapping
for safety purposes. most of me
doesn't want to because i would secretly love
to be in Saw. it's these sorts of times and decided to slip into fukmans' room.

we spent the first few days sitting around
talking at each other. i went to sleep
and then had this CRAZY DREAM that we had the technology
and the knowledge to survive
and thrive without consuming animal products.
i dunno.

i guess it's just important for me
to really really remember that i was exhausted
and had a laughing attack. i love having friends
who love go to jail.

i had a dream about sweating a lot at my dr seuss party.
i feel like a lot of things happened,
like soup speeches and about 1/2 cup of antibacterial soap
making my stress presentation.
after killing myself for about 9 hours, we WRAPPED THE KITTY
in my bedclothes or maybe i had
rusting metal in my eye.

Do I WANT to go to grad school?

Yes, but applications are stressing me out. And if I don't get in... Then... What a waste.

And there's so much to do before the semester ends. Ughh.

-Read Levertov.
-5 page case study essay on her.
-Present to class on Thursday
-Final poetry portfolio

-Last short short, and self-assignment, or whatever
-Last crit
-Final CNF portfolio

-Last 320 quiz Tuesday
-320 Final next Thursday

-Last article review due Monday
-324 Final next Tuesday

-My Math Lab
-Math Final sometime?

-Hug Janet

-Write letter of intent.
-Create writing sample.
-Give people letter of rec shit
-Get transcript requests

-die.

public service announcements:

How I used to believe and take in those messages, though not necessarily FROM PSAs--did they exist when I was little? Probably. Captain Planet had them I think.

And how I interpret those lessons now.

"mememememe"
The parody of this PSA was great because it showed a kid lost at a fair. He starts talking to a GI Joe, who will only say, "Me-me-me-me-me-me-me," over and over. My friend Charlie used to do this to me whenever I was whining to him. He was one of the first people to successfully stop me in the middle of complaining.
The real PSA gives this message "It's not scary being lost if you don't lose your head!"

- I used to be so afraid of getting lost. I would hold onto the cart at the grocery store, I would hold my parent's hands forever. When I was six, I was at my sister's first middle school choir concert. Old building. Scary. A million people in the little hallway. I reached up to grab my dad's hand out of his jacket pocket, but he wouldn't let me. I kept tugging and nothing was happening. Finally I looked up and saw I had mistaken a stranger in a Midwest Thermal Spray jacket for my father. It was terrifying. I couldn't see above the crowd; no one in my family is tall. I panicked, caught in the current of the crowd. Luckily, it pushed me right into my family, but it was terrifying, nonetheless.

-Now, I get lost on purpose. At my best friend's birthday party, after arriving late, and sober, and seeing all of my old friends (ones recently abandoned for a boyfriend) far too drunk, I freaked out. I didn't WANT to be with these people I knew. Maybe it was because they felt like strangers. Or maybe because they felt too familiar. Either way, I tried to edge out, dragging my boyfriend along, avoiding as many goodbyes as possible. I don't want to be around this company because I'm too afraid of having to consciously lose them.

"A stranger can mean danger!"

-I remember the first time my mom told me about how a kidnapper might tell me that she is in the hospital and I need to go with them. It was before Sarah Brown's 5th birthday party at Major Magic's. The whole time, I was trying to figure out what I would do if a stranger told me my mom was hurt. More than being afraid of strangers (thought I was definitely terrified of kidnapping), I was afraid of my mom being hurt. What if I ignored the strangers and my mom died? I hated the party. I peed my pants in Katie Hughes' mom's van on the way home.

-I'm not really afraid of being abducted my strangers anymore, but the idea that my mom could get injured or die has never really failed to terrify me. It's always during those little times, too, when I'm driving along stretches of unserviced highways, or gone for a weekend without my phone charger, that the attacks come. la da da make something up about this? [instilling some fear of death, reinforcing my dependence on my family]

"Taking other people's medicine is a prescription for danger!"

-with a nurse mother, this was always something I was taught. This idea was reinforced by DARE. Medicine scared me. But then, freshman year of college, I got a UTI [tell story] and took bactrum? from Kelly Smith. Got in trouble.

-Last year, we'd take all sorts of prescription drugs for fun.


we learn lessons to break them. but the idea of the lessons stay with us forever?

WHOA i forgot about my livejournal. :/

i'm in the library with the intentions of studying for an exam i have on thursday,
but obviously i'm not doing that.

i should get off this computer and use a table to write with my hands because i do that better now.

however, for record keeping purposes, here's what's happening in my life:

i have a real boyfriend for the first time in four years.  he is very nice.  he is technically married.  i will laugh about this some day.  he is also extremely attractive and good at things and sympathetic and silly and has great hair.  he is wonderful in the bedroom and i can actually fall asleep with him.  he lives in grand rapids, which is hard, but also probably a blessing.  he treats me extremely well and all of my friends really like him.  i'm starting to worry that i don't "deserve" him.  this is likely just a manifestation of my fear of losing him. 

i am very busy in school, which i hate.  my classes aren't difficult, but they are getting to be very monotonous.  i enjoy learning in all of them; i just wish every once in a while things would be switched up so i wasn't doing the exact same homework every week.  mostly, my workshop classes are getting me.  because i don't have the time to cultivate enough calm in order to write (much less REVISE), i feel like i don't have any place to be giving suggestions.  i know that is not true, but i'm just so TIRED of reading everyone else's writing, and not feeling like i have the energy or state or peace of mind to write things i really admire of my own.  i need yoga again.

on the up side, i did get two of my poem accepted to one of CMU's literary journal.  this is a secret, but i actually will win $100 dollars for the best poem.  this makes me happy, even though most of the staff consisted of my friends, AND i was an editor last year.  i don't care. that's what a creative community is about. and i love it.

except i'm also terrified of it because i will leave it soon.
i am neglecting my BS (ha) in psychology and applying to MFA programs for poetry.  this is what i love doing, even when i hate it.  i am pretty sure i can spend the next two to three years in school reading and writing.  i will hate it for some portion of the time i spend wherever i end up, but in the end, i will love it.  i will decided where to go from there.
i am applying to U of Colorado at Boulder, University of Washington, University of Montana, and U of Oregon.  My top choice is CU Boulder because my sister is nearby.  i am planning on leaving everything else.  i am not sure what I'll do about the boyfriend if he still exists next fall.  i know i shouldn't even think about that, but i can't help it.  it makes things really scary and messy.  he says things like, "if we still have this, i'll follow you."  i don't know what to make of it.  the entire idea of starting new scares the shit out of me.  but i also know how good it will eventually be.

my parents sold their house in plymouth and bought one on a lake in pinckney.  i am happy for them.  i am stressed about actually moving; they are doing that in two weeks.

in two weeks, i also take the gre.  i have not studied at all. i need at least a 600 on the verbal section for most of the schools to which i am applying.  i will be pretending to study this weekend while i also go home and pretend to help pack and pretend that i didn't wish i was with my boyfriend.  if i don't get the scores i need on the gre, i don't know what i'll do.   take it again, i suppose.  similarly, i don't know what i'll do if i don't get into grad school.  i can't decide if i should do something like "apply to a school in michigan" for safety purposes.  most of me doesn't want to because i want to just absolutely force myself into a scary situation.  i would secretly love to be in Saw.  just kidding.
if i don't get into grad school, i will probably teach abroad.  i should probably do that anyway.

i also need to actually APPLY to grad schools, but applications aren't due until january, so of course i am procrastinating.  i should probably really do something about that, like talk to professors, figure out who to ask for letters of recommendation, work on personal statements, submit transcript requests, put together a portfolio, and maybe start believing in God again so i have something to pray to.

i've also managed to lose and keep off over 15 pounds (although i gained most of that this summer) because i stopped eating meat and milk products (along with eating carefully and working out and trying to just be a healthier person in general).  it started mostly as a game--can i stop eating meat? but then i realized that i would probably just get really fat if i did that because i would eat endless piles of bean and cheese nachos.  because of this, i chose to stop eating cheese and milk-based products.  it makes cooking a really fun experiment.  it helps that the boyfriend is also vegetarian, and likes to cook and accomodate our special diets.
some day, it would be interesting to become completely vegan, but i don't think i want to give up eggs ever.  if i lived in some kind of co-op, or if eating out wasn't so fun, or if i lived completely alone or with libby, who is terrified of eggs, i'd try it.  i'm not sure.  it's much more a personal health-related challenge than it is an activism thang, but i do understand the anti-oppression ideas encouraged by veganism, and i will not say that i will never at least try to live by such values.  right now, though, i don't have the personal (mental) resources to completely commit to such a lifestyle.

there is a boy sitting near me who i think is touching himself.   um.

anyway, that felt nice to get out.  i wish i could turn this in for credit somewhere.

cheers.

i like fudge!  i like fudge! if you ask what i like, i like fudge!

i am getting severely stressed out about moving up to mtp and starting classes.
i haven't really done anything all summer but hang around and have adventures.  it was great, but i am terrified for my reality check. 

i'm sitting in my sister's apartment in colorado eating left over indonesian peanut noodle with tofu, which is really delicious, but i'm having like 9 heart attacks.

i'm mad at myself because i'm currently being emotionally screwed over by yet another boy, which is STUPID, because i KNEW better from the start.  i am just never quite sure which impulse to trust and which feeling to fully acknowledge. 
i KNOW that i really have all the love i can handle in my life right now.  but it still makes me sad because it was something i was sort of letting make me happy.  it's these sorts of times when i wish i felt god as an outside force.  but i just... don't.  i'm too bound to "god" as something wholly within myself and i don't know if i can bridge a gap otherwise.  so what about when i am letting myself down?  what about when i stray into an anxious mind?  what about when every doubt and loveless thought surface?  why so concerned with those things out of my control?  do i still believe i can control everything?  yes, in... in a way.  i can certainly control how i FEEL about everything, although i'm not entirely sure how yet.  i'm not sure how to master the anxiety or the doubt.  if i did, would i feel the joy and relief in their absence?  can i know white while ignoring black?

i just get TOO excited. i pull myself up too far.  i set myself up to fall.
but i'm not looking to tone down my happiness.

i just need to learn how to accept "failures" more quickly.  i need to learn how to get over things that hurt sooner.  i need to stop getting so ahead of myself.  and i KNOW all these things.  i've known them for a long time.  so when do i DO them?

still need to live for me.  still need to understand how to love me.
need to remember how many amazing things are present in my current life.  need to understand how many amazing things i can bring myself in my future life.  need to breathe.  need to be.


forgive me this pride, that knows your redemption yet shamelessly walks away.

tonight, i was watching "he's just not that into you" on demand in my parents' family room.
the cat came around and hopped on the couch to be scratched.
later, in the movie, one of the characters is at her little sister's wedding.  their dad suddenly has a heart attack.
my cat had moved on to cleaning himself by then.
but then i heard this noise.  i thought the dog was crying.  it was a high pitched, wheezy whine.
i realized it was coming from the cat.
he was all tensed up and his little pink kitty tongue was sticking out and he wouldn't stop making the horrible whiney noise.
i thought he was choking or having a cat-heart-attack or that something really horrible was going to happen
so i just said, "Mom. Mom. Mom!" even though she was right there and I got so scared and didn't know what to do
so i just pet the cat? and hoped that that would help.
My mom came over and said, "Well get him off the couch!" and all I could think was that my cat was going to die right in front of me and all she cared about was getting him off the couch and I felt so guilty because earlier today I was thinking about whether or not it would be a really big deal if the cat just never came home again and so I was convinced that I had cursed him and that I was going to have to watch him asphyxiate and it was all my fault
until I realized he had a hairball.

I've never experienced hairballs before.  It was so scary.  I was so scared.  I'm still scared.  I feel like crying.  I hate death and loss and I don't think I've gotten any better at dealing with them.

Egh.

whoa muh gad

it's my birthday sooooonn woooooo 21!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm just sitting here waiting to go to the barrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr